the ones

My knees understand naked; my knees
don’t remember anonymous hands, lips.
My abdomen tightens; my force is no longer there,
I heave, and drop (lost) on a man.
I see this and, heave again.
I laugh, I spasm; I am
somehow another – my mouth, my tongue, my lips,
my body, my heart: can’t find the way to fuel me
(in touching, there is no feeling):
my limbs, my arms – strapped, stained – stumble
to bed. My sex, my thighs, they belong
to someone else. I can’t lie. I smoke dizziness.
I’m unaware; I’m unaware. I (un)screw
and I have already forgotten the deep past, past
my throat, I’m back on my knees.
My body, back to bed, burned. Swallowing
my stomach, my bloodstream, my body.
Then I do lie; another – the last one:
[Anonymous] is vague and persistent.
I have been licked clean (sometime in the night),
cracked open (tonight, somewhere),
My body, heavy, waiting and I think of the word:
the word:        (…what word?)
Sex? the wild (confused) girl (any girl)
my clothes torn off. And love, what
Love? crazy sex: reinvented, awash, new, confused
sometimes. Sometimes I share the smallest amount
of a night with my wretched, wild boys;
only fragments – split – borrowed, a blur of
casual affairs, casual crazies, a series of crippled stages.

Body: I belong (nowhere), bewildered,
available (everywhere), on my knees:
sane – ordinary – drowned.
Bodies: some are centres, some are wasted. So many
others: electrical body, wrapped around anyone.
Eyes filled – sordid – I see myself (one eye closed),
(two) wrapped like ribbons.
This time, I say to myself, this time I want to go back
out into some little lost nowhere, find just one more
Love. I sit here with a boy (count this in a lifetime
together – shallow fractures, tired fractures, foolish,
slipping, stumbled, broken, falling –
too many to count).

My body: I am locked in the endless preoccupation,
twisting my loss into love: unlocking others. The ones,
(who know where you have been, before
and now) this one.
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